4 Biblical Principles That Make Forgiveness Work

Editor’s Note: This is the first article in our mini-series on forgiveness, where our counselors explore how to reflect God’s heart in our relationships.

Forgiveness is one of the most challenging and beautiful expressions of God’s mercy in our relationships. In marriage, friendships, or church life, we will all face situations where someone wounds us deeply. The question isn’t if we will need to forgive others, but how we will forgive in a way that reflects God’s heart.

There’s a reason Jesus emphasized forgiveness. In Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus if he should forgive someone seven times. Jesus replies, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times” (v. 22, ESV). He then tells a parable that calls us to live out God’s mercy with others.

In this post, we’ll explore four key principles that help us understand why forgiveness that works is rooted in God’s character, follows His process, remembers His promises, and moves toward restoration.

1. Forgiveness Works When I Remember God’s Character

In Matthew 18:23-35, Jesus describes a servant who owes a king an impossible amount. The king, moved with compassion, forgives the debt completely. That’s how God forgives us—lavishly, undeservedly, and without holding back. However, the forgiven servant turns around and refuses to forgive a fellow servant who owes him far less.

This parable teaches us that:

• We don’t deserve God’s mercy – It’s a gift. “It is of the Lord’s mercy that we are not consumed” (Lamentations 3:22).
• We constantly need it – We sin daily and forget how much we’ve been forgiven.
• God freely gives it when we ask – His mercy is over-the-top generous.
• He wants us to share it – When we hoard forgiveness, we reveal how little we’ve understood the Gospel.

Forgiveness begins with remembering how patient God has been with us. When His mercy grips our hearts, we are more ready to show mercy to others—even when it’s hard.

2. Forgiveness Works When I Remember God’s Process

Forgiveness isn’t ignoring sin or sweeping things under the rug. Matthew 18:15-17 outlines a clear process for addressing offenses:

1. Pray First – Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that it’s to our glory to overlook an offense. We must ask, “Is this worth pursuing, or can I truly let it go?”
2. Go in Private – A one-on-one confrontation is wise and respectful. It prevents gossip and opens the door for sincere reconciliation.
3. Go with Proof – If the person won’t listen, bring one or two trusted witnesses to help mediate the conversation.
4. Go Public (If Necessary) – As a last resort, involve church leaders in pursuing accountability and healing.

This process isn’t about winning an argument or shaming someone. It’s about pursuing restoration. As Paul says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18).

Forgiveness doesn’t ignore justice but seeks to resolve sin biblically, humbly, and lovingly.

3. Forgiveness Works When I Remember God’s Promises

When God forgives us, He makes some stunning promises:

• Psalm 103:12 – “As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us.”
• Romans 8:1 – “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

That’s our model. When we forgive others, we are making three promises:

• I will not bring this offense up to others (no gossip).
• I will not bring this offense to you again (no shame or retaliation).
• I will not dwell on it myself (no rehearsing the pain endlessly).

These are not easy promises. Forgiveness often requires repeating those choices daily as the emotions resurface. But these commitments mirror God’s heart and break the power of bitterness over time.

Forgiveness is not forgetting but choosing not to weaponize someone’s sin against them.

4. Forgiveness Works When I Remember That Forgiveness Is a Choice—But Restoration Is a Process

Here’s a key truth: Forgiveness is granted before it is felt. You don’t wait until you feel like forgiving. You decide to forgive because Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32). However, restoring the relationship takes time.

Biblical grace helps the offender and the offended walk together toward restoration:

• Grace helps the offender understand the seriousness of the sin. It doesn’t minimize or excuse it.
• Grace helps the offender seek accountability. Repentance is proven over time (Luke 3:8).
• Grace sets healthy boundaries. Restoration may involve limits to rebuild trust wisely.

You can forgive someone completely while also requiring wise limits and time to re-establish trust. Forgiveness is the first step—restoration is a journey.

What Forgiveness Is—and Isn’t

Here are some common misunderstandings that hinder grace-filled forgiveness and some answers that clarify hard situations.

“I’ll forgive, but I don’t want a relationship with them.”

Answer: While there are cases (such as abuse) where distance is wise, this attitude often reveals unresolved bitterness. Forgiveness seeks peace where possible.

“I’ll forgive, but I want a limited relationship.”

Answer: This can be part of a healthy limit-setting process if motivated by wisdom, not resentment. Trust takes time.

“I’ll forgive and pretend nothing happened.”

Answer: Forgiveness doesn’t erase consequences. Trust must be rebuilt. Grace doesn’t mean enabling repeated harm.

Conclusion: Forgiveness Reflects the Cross

Forgiveness that works isn’t rooted in self-help psychology or emotional detachment. It’s rooted in the Cross. Jesus bore our sins so we could be forgiven fully, freely, and forever. And He calls us to reflect that same mercy in our relationships.

Colossians 3:13 says, “As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

So, whether you’re struggling to forgive a spouse, a friend, a coworker, or someone in your church, remember: God has not only forgiven you—He has equipped you, by His Spirit, to forgive others with the same grace.

Let’s be people who forgive—not because it’s easy, but because Christ is worthy.