A God’s-Eye View of Conflict

This article is written by Dr. Robert Jones, a respected biblical counselor, professor, and author. It first appeared on the Biblical Counseling Coalition website.

Corrective Lenses^[1]

I was a good student at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. But I did fail one test during my seminary career—my Illinois driver’s license test. Not the written part; I aced that. Not the road test; none was required. It was the eye test. I had driven with my New Jersey license all the way to my twenty-fourth year of life with no vision restrictions until that day.

When I put on my first pair of eyeglasses, I entered a new world. I saw things along Chicago’s North Shore that I had never seen before. Billboard fine print emerged. Colors brightened. Faces sharpened—including angry motorists who I frustrated as I gawked at newfound scenery. While nothing in the terrain changed, my ability to see it did. To see things as they really were required corrective lenses.

My story illustrates an age-old truth: How you view something will determine how you approach it. Diagnosis dictates treatment.

What attitudes about conflict do you hear people voice?

• “Conflict is OK; that’s just the way life is.”
• “Conflict is normal, natural, and neutral.”
• “I have my rights. Nobody’s gonna step on me. I’m no doormat.”
• “He’ll never change; I give up. I’m out of here.”
• “I don’t get mad; I get even.”

What does God see when He sees conflict? And what does He want us to see? When we don biblical glasses to look at conflict, three hope-giving perspectives emerge.

1. Conflicts are inevitable; expect them!

Are you surprised that you face relational tensions? Don’t be. We are fallen sinners living with fallen sinners in a fallen world. The Bible, of course, assumes this, reminding us of this bleak reality from cover to cover. This is true not only of people in general (Eccl. 7:20; Isa. 53:6; Rom. 3:9, 23), but also of followers of Jesus (1 John 1:8, 10; 1 Tim. 1:15).

We see conflict in every arena of life. Consider marriage. Genesis 1-2 pictures a perfect marriage, a marriage that was proverbially “made in heaven,” hand-fashioned by God himself and declared to be “very good.” But turn one page, and everything falls apart. In Genesis 3, sin enters and alienation results. The first and primary alienation is vertical: Adam and Eve’s sins disrupt their communion with God. But horizontal alienation follows—an interpersonal breach that would increase through subsequent generations.

The rest of the Bible records sin’s ugly impact on both our vertical and horizontal relationships. But it also unveils the Redeemer’s plan to reconcile all our relationships. The Offspring of the woman, Jesus Christ, can repair the breach, reverse the curse, and reconcile us to God and to each other (Gen. 3:15; Rom. 16:20; Gal. 4:4; Matt. 22:37-40).

Consider the source of parent-child conflict. In an amazing by-the-way statement, Jesus addresses parents, “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?” (Matt. 7:11).

Jesus doesn’t even assert the fact of parental sin; he simply assumes it, in passing. Can you imagine the media uproar if a presidential candidate told a TV audience, “One thing you need to know about me is that I think all of you are evil”?

Nor are our children sinless (Ps. 51:5; Prov. 22:15). What are the “terrible twos” or “terrifying threes” but the progressive unpacking of the sin already bound up within?

But even though conflict might mark our homes, surely there is one conflict-free zone, one nexus of relationships marked by harmony—the church. Right? Hardly. Sadly, even Christians face frequent conflict with one another. That’s why both Jesus and his apostles repeatedly assume the presence of conflict and exhort us, his people, to pursue peace (see below).

2. Conflicts are sinful; resolve them!

How should we respond to conflict? God calls us to resolve our conflicts actively (not assuming they will resolve themselves), diligently (making concentrated, strenuous efforts to reconcile our relationships), and immediately (not delaying, postponing, or procrastinating).

Jesus issues this call to active-diligent-immediate reconciliation in Matthew 5:23-25:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary….”

Similarly, in Matthew 18:15-16, He directs us, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. . . .”

Merging these passages together, a powerful dynamic emerges: When we have offended someone, we should go (Matt. 5:23-26); when someone has offended us, we also should go (Matt. 18:15-16).

In either case, Jesus calls us to take the first step to pursuing peace with others.

Our Lord’s apostles echoed the same active-diligent-immediate mandate:

• “So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.” (Acts 24:16)
• “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom. 12:18)
• “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace. . . .” (Rom. 14:19)
• “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Eph. 4:3)
• “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace. . . .” (2 Tim. 2:22)
• “Make every effort to live in peace with all men. . . .” (Heb. 12:14)

Note the urgency and energy required in these half-dozen verses. Their cumulative effect leaves no room for complacency or passivity. People do not just “get over” their hurts. Unresolved conflicts don’t resolve automatically; they scab over. They go underground, sometimes surfacing later with greater fury, animosity, or coldness.

The above verses call us to “pursue” peace—to go after it, track it down, and hunt for it. Peacemaking is not easy and not optional. Reconciling relationships requires hard work. It constrains us to cry out for the Holy Spirit’s help.

3. Conflicts are opportunities;^[2] seize them!

“Conflicts are what? Opportunities? What planet did you come from?”

I understand your response. We all recoil against conflict. But part of the gospel’s hope is that God redeems every hardship we face, including interpersonal conflict, for good purposes. Romans 8:28-29 reminds us that our sovereign God uses “all things”—including, in its Romans 8 context, a host of hardships—to make us like Jesus. When we view relational conflict in the broader biblical category of trials, the world of biblical comfort and purpose opens up to us.

What “greater good” opportunities do relational conflicts provide?

First, they give us opportunities to know God in new and fresh ways. We see God as our Forgiver, pardoning us and the other party for our respective contributions to the conflict. He is our Empowerer, helping us put off sin and put on righteousness. He is our Protector, comforting us when others attack or mistreat us. And He is our Judge, holding us accountable for our conduct amid conflict and one day vindicating us and reversing all unjust accusations against us.

Second, they give us opportunities to become more like Jesus. God uses interpersonal hardships as the testing ground and springboard for our spiritual maturation, to advance His life-shaping purpose in our lives. If we handle conflict God’s way, it can deepen our dependence on and fellowship with the Lord, show us our sin so we can grow more in Christ, link us more intentionally and visibly to the church, allow us to spotlight to others God’s work in us, prepare us for more effective service, and help us long for Jesus’s return.^[3]

Third, they give us opportunities to love and minister to others, both those with whom we have conflict and those who are watching. Conflict provides unique occasions for loving even our enemies—showing them in practical ways the love and mercy we have received. As our Lord Jesus taught us, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:27-36).

Join the Conversation

Which of the three biblical perspectives do people around us seem to lack? Which do you sometimes forget?

What might be an example of how God has helped you don biblical glasses to look at and handle conflict differently?

[1] This article has been adapted from the author’s book, Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Our Conflicts (Crossway, 2012).

[2] I am indebted to Ken Sande for his helpful insights on this third perspective. See Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd ed. (Baker, 2004).

[3] See the author’s booklet, When Trouble Shows Up: Seeing God’s Transforming Love (New Growth Press, forthcoming).