How to Tell If You’re Part of the Problem—Pt. 1

Editor’s Note: This article is part one of a two-part series that helps us deal with division in our lives, relationships, and our world.

Conflict finds all of us. Whether it’s a family that refuses to talk, a betrayal from a coworker at my job, unmet expectations in a friendship, or division within a church—most of us have found ourselves standing in the middle of relational wreckage, wondering how things fell apart so quickly.

As a counselor, I’ve spent years sitting with people on every side of these situations. And one of the things I’ve learned is this: we are far better at diagnosing what others have done wrong than we are at seeing our own contribution to the mess. We instinctively cast ourselves as the reasonable one, the wounded one, the one who “just wanted things to work out.” And sometimes that’s true. But rarely is it the whole truth. Conflict is almost always a two-way street.

What if, instead of waiting for the other side to change, we started with a different question: What am I contributing to this division?

That question isn’t about blame. It’s about honesty. And it’s the only question that leads to the kind of change we actually control. As a counselor, husband, parent, and boss, I often have to remind myself to focus on the things that I can control.

Colossians 3:12–17 is a passage I’ve returned to again and again in my counseling work. Paul is writing to a real community—not an ideal one—and he describes what Christ produces in people who put Him first. The passage moves through four distinct movements, and each one maps directly onto a searching question we can ask ourselves when we find ourselves in the middle of conflict and division.

1. Have I Forgotten Whose I Am?

In conflict, identity is almost always the first casualty. We stop seeing ourselves—and the people across from us—as precious in God’s sight, and we begin to define everyone by the roles they’ve played in the dispute. He becomes “the one who betrayed my trust.” She becomes “the one who chose their side.” We become “the victim” or “the one who was right.” Once that happens, every interaction gets filtered through that painful lens.

Paul opens Colossians 3:12 not with instructions but with identity: “God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved.” Before he tells the church what to do, he tells them whose they are. This sequence is not accidental. It is pastoral strategy—and it’s a strategy we can apply to ourselves.

The first act of self-assessment is to ask: Have I let this conflict become the primary way I define myself—or the people involved?

This doesn’t minimize what happened. It doesn’t pretend that harm wasn’t done. But it refuses to let the conflict become the totality of who anyone is. If you belong to Christ, your deepest identity is not “person who was wronged” or “person who made a mess.” You are chosen, holy, and beloved. So is the person across from you. When we lose sight of that, we don’t just lose perspective—we lose the ability to imagine a future where anything changes.

Self-assessment begins with stepping back far enough to see the whole picture—not just our hurt, but the God who holds both you and the other person in His hands.

2. Am I Modeling What I’m Demanding from Others?

It is remarkably easy to demand compassion while offering none. To insist on being heard while refusing to listen. To call for humility from the other side while holding tightly to our own sense of moral superiority. Why apologize when we aren’t really the problem?

Paul moves from identity to clothing in Colossians 3:12–13: “Put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” These character qualities are garments to wear—chosen deliberately, put on even when they don’t come naturally.

The self-assessment question here is blunt: Am I actually wearing the character qualities I’m expecting everyone else to put on?

Think of it as a wardrobe check. In the middle of conflict, what are you putting on each day before you engage? Compassion, or contempt? Patience, or a ticking clock? Kindness, or cold calculation? Humility, or a need to be proven right?

Two phrases in this passage deserve special attention. “Bearing with one another” means making room for the weaknesses and limitations of others without demanding that they be resolved on our timeline. And “forgiving each other” is grounded not in the simplicity of the situation but in the prior forgiveness of Christ.

Let me be clear about what forgiveness is not. It is not pretending harm didn’t happen. It is not declaring the restoration process over. It is not a shortcut around accountability. Forgiveness is refusing to let bitterness become the engine that drives your decisions. That distinction gives people permission to forgive without feeling like they are being asked to be reckless or naive.

If you want to know what you’re contributing to the conflict, look at how you behave when no one is watching. The way you talk about the other person to your friends. The tone of your texts. The assumptions you carry into every conversation. That’s the real wardrobe—and it’s often quite different from the one we present publicly.

Conclusion

If we don’t remember whose we are, who we are, and what we are called to be, divisions will only increase in our homes, schools, churches, and relationships. God calls us to reflect His character in how we navigate division.

While you may not be able to solve the national divide, you can improve your relationships with those around you—and you need to start with things that are in your control. God can help you change, and that helps division to die down. Sometimes a good counselor can help you see how you can work on you, by focusing on God’s example and seeking to wisely live that out. Reach out if you want to talk more—and look for part two with two other keys to dampening division next week.