Written by BCC Counselor Theron St John
“My teenager attempted to take his life.” I still remember hearing those words from a parent whose teenager I had previously counseled. This young person had been through family challenges and regularly experienced anxiety and depression. It had been a while since I had last seen him for counseling, so the news astounded me.
Yet, as I started meeting with this young man again, I recognized that while we had made progress during our previous counseling sessions, his parents had taken a break from counseling once they sensed he was in a better place—until another crisis came. When he began facing difficulties again, they returned. As I noticed this pattern, I had to admit my own shortsightedness. It was not enough for me to counsel this teenager without also equipping his guardians to care for him beyond the counseling sessions. I determined that, moving forward, I would guide them in how they could help their hurting teen.
I suspect this couple is not alone in feeling ill-equipped. After all, parents and guardians often bring young people to counseling because they do not know what else to do or where to turn. Rather than seeing the counselor as the professional who works on their child, parents and guardians must view the counselor as a partner walking alongside them in caring for their child. When they adopt this mindset, four ways to help a hurting teen come into view: hear, examine, lean, and pray.
Hear Their Struggles
When teenagers are willing to share their hardships, parents can sometimes respond in less-than-helpful ways. They may appear shocked by what their child is telling them, immediately try to fix the problem, or minimize what their teen sees as a significant challenge. These responses may discourage a teen from sharing anything further with their parents about what they are experiencing. If parents and guardians want to encourage their hurting teen to open up about what they are going through, the wisdom of Proverbs 18:13 is essential:
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
A parent who fails to hear their child merely responds with statements. A parent who faithfully hears their child listens carefully and asks thoughtful follow-up questions. Contrary to cultural generalizations, not all teenagers are the same. Each teenager faces unique trials and temptations.
Two young people may both wrestle with anxiety over grades, but for entirely different reasons. One may place their hope in a high GPA to gain admission into their preferred college, while the other fears how their parents will respond to a disappointing report card. In both cases, the presenting issue is anxiety over grades, but the underlying heart issues are different. The only way parents can discover what is truly troubling their teenager is by asking questions and listening carefully to the answers.
Examine Their Hearts
The types of questions parents ask are critical. Teenagers’ answers to merely behavioral-level questions will likely produce responses parents already know. Engaging the teenager’s heart gives parents insight into what their child is believing, thinking, and feeling. As Solomon says in Proverbs 4:23, from the heart “flow the springs of life.”
Paul Tripp provides a helpful starting point for parents seeking to engage the heart of their teenager through five heart-revealing questions:
- What was going on?
- What were you thinking and feeling?
- What did you do in response?
- Why did you do it, and what were you seeking to accomplish?
- What was the result?
These questions reveal both the teenager’s perspective on their situation and their heart response to it. It may take time for these conversations to develop, so parents must be patient yet persistent in examining the heart of their teenager.
Lean In with the Word
Parents who faithfully hear the concerns of their teen and ask heart-level questions may still feel the need to look elsewhere for help with the next step. However, if parents are engaging their teen in this way, they are already the ones who know their child best. The parent or guardian is uniquely positioned to lean in with the Word.
The goal is not to lecture the teenager about what the Bible says, but to show how Scripture guides them in facing their difficulties.
Consider the example of Caleb. His parents notice the overwhelmed expression on their son’s face, hear his worries about the future, and ask what he is thinking and feeling. Rather than turning to Matthew 6:25–34 simply to tell him not to worry, they open the passage to help him understand that anxiety is a common experience for fallen people and that Jesus lovingly invites His children, through the imagery of creation, to trust Him.
Instead of jumping immediately to correction, Caleb’s parents give him the opportunity to consider how the truth of God’s Word speaks directly into his situation.
Pray with and for Them
Even after all this, parents may still be tempted to believe they must change what is happening in their teenager or control how their teen responds. In reality, that responsibility does not belong to them.
Parents who truly hear their child’s burdens, examine the heart through thoughtful questions, and lean in with the Word recognize that only the one true God has the power to change a teenager’s heart and transform their difficulties.
After hearing, examining, and leaning in, parents should conclude by praying with and for their child. Parents who pray with and for their teenager demonstrate trust in God and show their child where they can turn in the midst of life’s hardships.
That is one of the greatest ways a parent can help a hurting teen.
