Written by BCC Staff Counselor Sarah Ellis
God created us in His image—an image designed for community—but what happens when you are fearful of engaging with others?
Have you ever experienced that pit in your stomach or tightness in your chest when invited to a group outing? It is the very thing you want, but you wonder how you will sustain conversation. Have you ever stayed in your car, willing yourself to walk into that coffee shop, longing for the community you know is there but not wanting to deal with those “updating on life” conversations? Do you need to clarify something a friend said, but instead ignore it because conflict feels worse?
This is the angst of relational anxiety. Most people have experienced it at some point in their lives; for others, it keeps them from community altogether. Relationships can sometimes feel unsafe, resulting in isolation, or we can become so emotionally dependent on them that we feel we cannot live without them. How can we grow ourselves and help others as well? God can show us the way.
God walked in the garden in the cool of the day (Gen. 3:8). “Cool” can also be translated from the Hebrew word ruach as wind, spirit, or breath. God’s Spirit came to be with Adam and Eve. He came to confront their sin, but what was their relationship like before sin entered the world? After sin, they heard Him and felt afraid. They experienced shame and guilt and blamed one another. They had lost their innocence and childlike trust in the goodness of God.
Separated from God, their relationship with Him changed, along with their inner peace, innocence, and humble relationship with one another. Our identity as believers—chosen, holy, and beloved (Col. 3:12; 1 Pet. 2:9–10)—informs our behavior. We act out of what we believe about God and, therefore, about ourselves and others.
What do you believe about the relationships in your life that evokes anxiety? Where do you see—or fail to see—God in them? What do you believe about yourself or others? Start with your thoughts. Slow down and think. Let’s work through an example together.
Mary (not a real person) was invited out for coffee with a group of friends. Some were acquaintances, while others she had known for years. She desired time with others, but the problem was that everyone else seemed to live charmed lives compared to her own. Living at home with her parents, having no romantic relationship, working retail, and volunteering at church did not feel like accomplishments worth sharing.
She wanted to go back to school but was not sure she could handle the learning curve again. Worse, she simply felt unattractive compared to her friends. No matter what she wore, she never felt confident, often resulting in not wanting to eat. She knew that response was wrong but wondered why God had made her this way and why He did not help her do what was right. She had prayed about it so many times.
Mary convinced herself to go, but now she sat in her car outside the coffee shop, battling her thoughts and wondering if she should just go home.
If we asked Mary, “What were you thinking and feeling while sitting in your car?” we might hear:
- Everyone else is successful. I’m ashamed that I only work retail.
- I’m not as smart as they are. I feel stupid.
- I’m not beautiful.
- Why can’t I do what is right?
Let’s dig a little deeper. “What is it you believe, Mary?”
- I’m a failure.
- God didn’t make me like others. He is withholding goodness from me.
- I’m a worthless.
Can you see how Mary’s thoughts keep her from relationships? Acting on her thoughts and feelings reinforces what she believes about herself. So now what?
God’s Word is our source of transformation (Rom. 12:2). As we seek to understand our feelings before God, He helps reveal our underlying thoughts and beliefs. We cannot create our own truth because our hearts are deceitful (Jer. 17:9). We must look to the Word of God to know the truth that sets us free from insecurity, anger, bitterness, pride, fear, and more.
Mary’s example reveals underlying beliefs about failure and about God withholding goodness from her. But what does God say?
In the book of Ruth, amid tremendous loss, God was working for Naomi and Ruth’s good. His provision is evident, and their story and relationships are woven into the lineage of Christ. In Genesis 37–50, many relationships were stripped away from Joseph, yet he maintained confidence in God’s goodness toward him rather than believing God was against him like his brothers were. And in Matthew 6, Jesus reminds us that if God clothes the flowers with splendor, how much more will He care for those He loves?
His goodness is for you.
As we identify our triggers, resulting emotions, thoughts, and beliefs, we can bring them to the truth of God’s Word. By faith, we then act upon these truths and live them out even when our feelings have not yet caught up. That is faith: acting upon what we know to be true about God and trusting in His goodness (Heb. 11).
As Mary begins learning how the truth of God’s Word can transform her thinking, she can take steps—small or large—to practice living according to that truth. Ironically, this transformation does not happen alone. Growth happens in honest community with others who struggle too.
Mary is not alone.
Conclusion
No one escapes the effects of sin on relationships. We all experience fear, insecurity, disappointment, conflict, or rejection. Because of this, it can feel easier to withdraw and believe relationships are not worth the risk.
But God did not create us for isolation.
Through Christ, we are not only reconciled to God but also invited into meaningful relationships with others. Because we are fully known and loved by Him, we do not need to build our identity on approval, success, appearance, or acceptance from people. The gospel frees us to move toward others with humility, honesty, courage, and grace.
Relationships will still be messy and require patience, forgiveness, and growth. Yet God often uses relationships to shape and sanctify us. In community, He exposes our fears and insecurities while also reminding us of His truth, presence, and love.
We do not pursue relationships in our own strength. We have the Holy Spirit, God’s Word, and the assurance that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.
Relationships may be messy, but through God’s grace, they are still worth pursuing.
